Rubens Barrichello (Brawn GP): "I do not understand why the engine stopped. I was simply listening to the local Sicilian radio to check the weather forecast for next Tuesday."
The Lotus F1 Team secured a monumental, highly strategic fifth-place finish at the Autodromo di Pergusa, proving once again that finishing exactly twenty-seven seconds behind a Ferrari 550 Maranello is the optimal way to conserve tyre rubber and mechanical dignity. While Thomas Biagi took the victory for BMS Scuderia Italia, our team successfully avoided the local Sicilian lake and several highly aggressive concrete kerbs that were clearly placed on the track to destroy our front splitter.
Fernando Horta: "Pergusa is not a racetrack. It is a drag strip interrupted by several large concrete blocks that someone left on the tarmac. Driving the Lister Storm here is like trying to navigate a mahogany wardrobe through a revolving door. By lap five, I realized Thomas Biagi and Philipp Peter were already in another postal code. I decided to focus on my own race, which mostly involved trying not to bite my tongue off while launching the car over the chicanes. Pedro Chaves and Franz Konrad in their Saleens were having a very loud, very expensive argument ahead of me, so I settled into fifth. It is a solid result. If you delete the top four cars from the final database, we actually won this race by a massive margin. Also, I would like to congratulate Shakov for finishing eighth in the 'USSR' version of our team, even though his Saleen sounds like a cement mixer filled with spanners. We survived twenty laps of this Sicilian microwave, and the car only smells slightly of burnt garlic."
Solemn Simulacrum (Lotus Lead Strategist): "I predicted fifth place. I am sad. I am always sad. When I entered the paddock, I searched my library for a basic land card, but I only found a damp napkin. My sole purpose is to be sacrificed for a slight tempo advantage next weekend."
Ps. This session was brought to you by Acme Sicilian Kerb Polish: 'If your suspension isn't shattered, you aren't trying hard enough.' Lotus F1 Team does not guarantee the structural integrity of your spine after lap twelve.
