Bristol Motor Speedway, Tennessee. The Last Great Colosseum. A high-banked, half-mile concrete bowl where drivers trade paint, sanity, and suspension components at every single apex. Twenty-nine laps around Bristol sounds like a quick sprint until you realize every lap requires dodging twenty-nine other cars inside a saucepan. Our brave duude, Fernando Horta, arrived in his Chevrolet Corvette C6-R GT2 with high hopes, only to discover that Bristol's concrete walls have a very particular appetite for Brazilian fiberglass.
What the numbers say
Gup Douglas claimed a blistering victory in his BMW Motorsport E46 M3 GTR, completing the grueling 29-lap tour in 0:07:08.708. Jarrod Keen brought his Drayson Racing Aston Martin Vantage home in second place, crossing the line a mere 1.913 seconds behind the winner in a fantastic display of GT2 endurance. Kurtis Chandler rounded out the podium in the Schubert Motorsport BMW Z4, just two seconds further back.
Now, let us peer into the timing sheets and pour one out for our hero. While Gup Douglas and Jarrod Keen were busy putting on a masterclass at the front—trading fastest laps of 0:14.143 and 0:14.129 respectively—Fernando Horta managed a tragic 3-lap DNF in the #10063 Corvette. Three laps! That is not even enough time to warm up the tires or find a decent radio station. His best lap of 0:16.131 suggests he spent those three laps sliding sideways, arguing with the pit wall, and possibly admiring the stadium lights before parking the wreckage in an indignant heap.
Further down the order, twenty-eight other cars survived the high-banked blender, with Ian Jolicoeur, Jon Wathen, and Chris Durand all finishing on the lead lap, trailing the winner by less than eight seconds. Talk about a traffic jam!
Quotes
Gup Douglas (BMW Motorsport, winner): Twenty-nine laps of Bristol feels like driving inside a tumble dryer full of angry hornets. Winning this thing means your steering wheel is practically melting in your hands. Absolutely brilliant!
Jarrod Keen (Drayson Racing, 2nd): Second place in an Aston Martin around Bristol is like threading a needle during an earthquake. Gup drove away at the end, but keeping the Vantage off the concrete walls is a victory in its own right.
Kurtis Chandler (Schubert Motorsport, 3rd): A podium! Though honestly, watching Horta spin out early on made all of us check our mirrors twice every time we hit the banking.
Fernando Horta (Corvette Racing, DNF): Look, the concrete walls at Bristol are far too aggressive and completely lack hospitality. The Corvette decided it wanted to hug the barrier on lap three, and who am I to deny a car its romantic urges? We will be back when the walls are softer.
The council investigates
The Super Mario World MotorSports High-Banked Concrete Oval Crash-Test Dummies Duude Foundation (SMWMSHBCOCDDF) has reviewed the telemetry over a shared bucket of popcorn and issued the following binding decrees:
- Motion 20170622/88: the three-lap vacation. The council formally notes that finishing a race after three laps because the wall "looked friendly" is not a valid mechanical retirement. Horta is hereby sentenced to watch ten hours of oval racing without snacks.
- Motion 20170622/89: the Bristol blender. The council congratulates Gup Douglas for surviving twenty-nine laps without turning his BMW into a soda can.
No further thoughts will be given on this matter, and the ElderCouncil will now return to their heavily fortified nap bunker. *snore*
So what now?
Another wild night of short-track madness where high banks and low clearances make every corner a gamble. The timing monitors are smoking, the podium champagne is gone, and the mechanics are fetching the sledgehammers.
Next time, the saga continues…
Ps. Dave, seriously, we are begging you now. Even a short oval needs someone to anchor the very back so Horta doesn't get lonely in the garage after lap three! Come back!
