Marlboro issued a press release this morning that reads as follows:
1:48.743. This is the fastest single lap recorded at the Circuit de Barcelona-Catalunya during Thursday’s sprint, proving beyond a statistical doubt that our Porsche GT3-RS #11 was the most efficient piece of German engineering on the Iberian Peninsula. Yet, due to circumstances we can only describe as a lack of basic competitive urgency, we departed Spain with a second-place trophy and a 2.655-second deficit to Marc Lieb’s Freisinger Motorsport entry.
The Marlboro management wishes to clarify that we do not congratulate Fernando Horta on this result. While our driver demonstrated excellent pace over a single flying lap, his general inability to occupy the specific coordinates of asphalt directly in front of the leading car has rendered this theoretical speed entirely useless. To go faster than everyone else and still finish behind them is an exercise in futility that does not align with our commercial interests.
During the second lap of this three-lap encounter, as Horta briefly threatened Lieb’s rear bumper before settling for second, Crew Chief Alan Donatellofson took to the team radio to offer constructive feedback. The following transcript has been verified by the team’s legal department:
Alan Donatellofson (Crew Chief): Fernando, I see you have recorded a 1:48.743. That is a very lovely number. Do they award championship trophies for mathematical beauty now, or are you planning to actually overtake the car in front before we run out of asphalt?
Fernando Horta (Driver): I am right on his gearbox, Alan. The dirty air in the final sector is making the front end wash out.
Alan Donatellofson (Crew Chief): Fascinating. Have you tried asking him politely to move? Perhaps if you show him your telemetry, he will understand that you deserve the position more than he does.
The team is currently investigating why our driver chose to ignore this advice. To lose a race that lasted a mere five minutes and thirty-six seconds—spanning only 14,157 metres of total distance—while possessing a clear performance advantage over the rest of the field, including Mike Jordan and Christophe Geoffroy who finished over ten seconds behind, is an administrative embarrassment.
Effective immediately, Horta’s post-race catering privileges have been revoked. He will spend the journey back to the factory studying the geometric differences between driving quickly and driving winningly.
