HOLA, AMIGOS DA FDTV! JAMIE CAMPBELL-WALTER CROSSES THE LINE TO WIN THE CATALAN GRAND PRIX AFTER TWENTY-ONE LAPS OF PURE MOTORSORT MADNESS! BUT WAIT, LET US REWIND THE TAPE, BECAUSE BEFORE WE SAW THE CHEQUERED FLAG, WE HAD TWENTY-ONE LAPS OF ABSOLUTE INSANITY AT THE CIRCUIT DE BARCELONA-CATALUNYA!
Galvão (Lead Commentator): Look at them go down the straight! It is a stampede of GT1 horsepower! My heart cannot take it! Shivan Dragon (Technical Director): Tap two red mana and sacrifice a goblin! Campbell-Walter is attacking with trample! Nothing can block a Lister Storm! Clueless Co-Commentator: Wait, is that a dragon on our pit wall? Should we call animal control or buy a booster pack? Galvão: SILENCE, BOB! LOOK AT THE LISTER! HE IS FLYING!
Let us look at the numbers, duudes! Twenty-one laps completed in thirty-six minutes and fifty-one seconds by the mighty #14 Lister Storm. Thomas Biagi tried everything in his #23 Ferrari 550, finishing second just nineteen seconds back, with Andrea Piccino rounding out the podium. Meanwhile, our brave duude Fernando Horta wrestled his Lister to eleventh place with twenty laps done, complaining that his tyres felt like they had been summoned straight from the graveyard.
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After the race, the paddock descended into absolute chaos with a quick press gaggle:
Ignácio Pneu-Furado (El Grito del Motor): Horta, you finished eleventh while Campbell-Walter lapped the field. Are you driving a race car or a mobile-chicane simulator?
Fernando Horta (Driver - #01 Lister): Listen here, Pneu-Furado, my car had more understeer than a grocery trolley with three flat wheels. Shivan Dragon told me to tap my tyres for extra toughness, and all I got was a puncture and a headache.
Severino Sopa-de-Letrinhas (Jornal dos Duudes): Shivan, does this result mean Lister is banned in standard formats or just restricted to casual play?
Shivan Dragon (Technical Director): *RAAAAAWR!* Draw seven cards or face my fiery wrath! We demand a ruling from the ElderCouncil!
#14 Crew (Radio): Box this lap, Jamie.
Jamie Campbell-Walter: Negative, the car is talking to me in ancient Sumerian and it says we are winning.
#14 Crew: Copy that, keep drifting.
Ps. tib, wherever you are hiding in Uruguay, we know you still owe us five bucks from the karting bet in 2010.
