*THE AUSTRIA DAILY TICKER: LOCAL COWS REPORTEDLY UNIMPRESSED BY ENGINE NOISE; SCUDERIA LIBRA CELEBRATES "NOT BEING LAST" BY ACCIDENTALLY LOCKING PRINCIPAL IN MOTORHOME*
Scuderia Libra issued a press release this morning that reads as follows:
Following the conclusion of the thirteen-lap exercise at the Red Bull Ring, Scuderia Libra wishes to formally declare its absolute neutrality regarding Juliano Flores finishing in second place.
While the telemetry confirms our #29 TVR T400R occupied the lead during laps 1, 3, and 6, we must clarify that this was entirely unintentional and resulted from a calibration error in our GPS unit, which had been programmed to locate the nearest Austrian schnitzel dispensary rather than the apex of Turn 3. The driver, Juliano Flores, reports that he spent several laps trying to find the "exit to the highway" before being overtaken by Robin Liddell's Porsche GT3-RS on lap 10. We congratulate Seikel Motorsport for their clinical delivery of first place, which saved our mechanics the tedious task of lifting a very heavy trophy into the transport truck.
Regarding the entry of Williams Grand Prix Engineering and their driver, Fernando Horta: we note that the #01 Ferrari 360 GTC achieved a best lap of 1:33.210 before terminating its race on lap 9. It is the official position of Scuderia Libra that driving that quickly is vulgar and exhibits a desperate need for attention. To set the fastest lap of the race by over a second and then simply cease to exist is a theatrical maneuver we cannot endorse. Our TVR completed all thirteen laps at a respectable, dignified tempo, finishing exactly 4.577 seconds behind the winner. This is how gentlemen operate.
Gaston Lap-Gasp (The Daily Apex): Principal Skinner, Juliano Flores was leading on Lap 6, but by Lap 10, Robin Liddell had checked out. Was there a strategic failure on the pit wall?
Team Principal Skinner (Scuderia Libra): Strategic failure? To have a strategic failure, one must first possess a strategy. We do not engage in such intellectual vanity. We told Juliano to drive until the petrol ran out or he got bored. He did both. When Liddell passed him, Juliano thought it was a marshal offering him a warm beverage, so he slowed down to be polite. It was a very civilized gesture. We are proud of his manners.
Otto Brake (Understeer Monthly): Fernando Horta was classified fourth despite stopping on lap nine, yet the official timing sheet still lists him in the running order on lap ten. How do you explain this administrative mystery?
Team Principal Skinner: Ah, yes, the yellow car. The council tells us his Ferrari evaporated due to excessive speed. But he remains on the screen. Perhaps his spirit is still circulating the Styrian hills, looking for his lost bumper. I do not deal in metaphysics, Mr. Brake. I deal in invoices. If his ghost is still on track, Williams should pay double the entry fee.
SMWMSDDCCF Official Ruling: Motion 20241108/04
The Council has examined the Lap-by-Lap registry for the Red Bull Ring. It is noted that driver Fernando Horta (#01) completed exactly 9 laps before a terminal DNF. However, the system registers his car in fourth position during Lap 10. The Council hereby rules that Horta's Ferrari did not retire; it merely transitioned into a state of pure energy, continuing to haunt the timing loop. The result stands, but Williams is fined three crates of cold Brahma for operating an undocumented phantom on Austrian soil.
