The fluorescent lights of the Daytona media center hummed with aggressive indifference as thirty-five drivers who actually finished the race tried to find space near the coffee machine, while our brave duude Fernando Horta took center stage with heavy metal royalty Ozzy Osbourne nodding slowly in the corner, chewing on a plastic microphone cover.
Davinci Higgins (Speed Week): Mr. Horta, looking at the official timing sheets from our twenty-lap blast around Daytona International Speedway, Jorge Ferreira took a stunning victory in the #74 Ford Escort RS with a total time of nineteen minutes and eleven seconds, while your #40 Ford GT40 managed exactly two laps before heading to the paddock retirement home. Care to explain?
Fernando Horta (Driver): Look, Davinci, the car was talking to me. It said 'Fernando, let us let Jorge Ferreira and Michael Menden fight over the GTC76 and GTC65 glory.' Who am I to argue with a Ford GT40? We tested the waters, we said hello to the grass, and frankly, two laps is plenty of exercise for a Sunday.
Ozzy Osbourne (Special Guest): *bites head off a timing monitor* ALL ABOARD HAHAHAHA! HE DID TWO LAPS! THAT IS MORE LAPS THAN I HAVE TEETH LEFT IN MY HEAD! BARK AT THE MOON, MAN!
Sarah Jenkins (Motorsport News): Jorge Ferreira won by a mere 0.376 seconds over Michael Menden after an absolute thriller, and Graham Churchhill brought the little Austin Mini home in seventh overall after setting a blistering fifty-five-point-zero-seven-one second lap. Meanwhile, your car was already up on jacks while the mechanics were eating sandwiches. Is the championship challenge in jeopardy?
Fernando Horta (Driver): Jeopardy? Sarah, my friend, we are simply pacing ourselves for the long haul. Besides, did you see Graham Churchhill in that Mini? Absolute rocket ship. We decided to let the Austin Cooper S brigade have their moment in the sun because sharing is caring in the F-Duuuuuuude world championship.
Ozzy Osbourne (Special Guest): SHARON! WHERE ARE THE BISCUITS? THIS BRAZILIAN BLOKE SAYS WE GOT ZERO POINTS BUT MY EARS ARE STILL RINGING FROM THE STARTING GRID PYROTECHNICS!
Ford GT40 (#40 crew):
Box this lap, Fernando.
Why?
Because the steering wheel is melting and Ozzy is trying to adopt a marshalls cone.
Understood, pitting now.
Ps. We would like to issue a formal correction stating that Fernando Horta actually completed two laps instead of the previously rumored one lap, which mathematically doubles our achievement for the weekend.
