*Adjusts oversized golden wall-clock and points angrily toward the Dubai race control tower.*
Losel Racing issued a press release this morning that reads as follows:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: THE DUBAI DESERT DISASTER STATEMENT
The entire management of Losel Racing stands in absolute, unyielding defiance of the absurd official classifications released following whatever the hell just transpired at the Dubai Autodrome. To award a nominal GT2 "victory" via Disqualification to Roger Wilco in the #27 Scuderia Ferrari 360 GTC, while simultaneously hitting Fernando Horta's #35 Heritage Motorsport Lamborghini Murcielago R-GT with an identical DQ—when neither driver nor any other soul on the grid completed a single lap—is an insult to time, physics, and international motorsport law.
Flavor Flav (Team Chief Hypeman): "YEAAAH BOY! CHECK THE CLOCK! HOW ARE YOU GONNA DISQUALIFY MY GUYS WHEN THE TIMER NEVER EVEN STARTED RUNNING?! ZERO LAPS! ZERO METERS! YOU CAN'T DISQUALIFY A GHOST, BOY! WE ARE TIMING THIS DISASTER WITH PURE PRECISION AND THE CLOCK SAYS THE STEWARDS ARE TRASH! BOYEEEEE!"
Samuel J. Lackson (Team Principal & Executive Director of Fury): "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING DISQUALIFICATIONS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING DESERT TRACK! WE DROVE ALL THE WAY TO DUBAI, UNLOADED THE MURCIELAGO, WATCHED SAM O SULKYVAN DNF HIS #09 FERRARI 550 MARANELLO ON LAP ZERO, WATCHED STUART GUY'S #00 PORSCHE AND CARLETTO'S #06 PORSCHE GT3-RSR EVAPORATE BEFORE THE GREEN FLAG, AND THEN YOU TELL ME HORTA AND WILCO ARE DISQUALIFIED?! FOR WHAT?! STANDING THERE LOOKING TOO GOOD IN THE PITLANE?! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. WE ARE PROTESTING THIS RULING TO THE HIGHEST AUTHORITIES, AND IF THOSE AUTHORITIES ARE NAPPING, WE WILL WAKE THEM UP WITH A MEGAPHONE!"
Losel Racing formally demands the immediate reinstatement of all zero-lap participants, an official apology from race direction, and free cold Brahma for the entire garage staff affected by this emotional wreckage.
Following the distribution of the statement, team management briefly opened the floor to gathered media representatives in the scorched Dubai paddock.
Otto Korrect (The Daily Laptime): Mr. Lackson, given that all five entries—including Sam O Sulkyvan, Stuart Guy, and Carletto—were classified as either DQ or DNF without a single completed lap on the timing screen, isn't it fair to say no actual racing took place today?
Samuel J. Lackson: No, it is not fair to say! Racing happens in the mind, Otto! Horta was mentally pulling off a double overtake into Turn 1 before the marshals even waved their little flags! The fact that the GT1 Lamborghini and GT2 Ferrari both got black-flagged for existing in the same dimension is a bureaucracy problem, not a racing problem!
Paige Turner (The Motorsport Chronicle): Flavor Flav, can you clarify what actual technical infraction caused the #35 Lamborghini and #27 Ferrari to be disqualified while the Porsches were scored as standard DNF entries?
Flavor Flav: "TECHNICAL INFRACTION?! THE ONLY INFRACTION WAS THAT OUR SHINE WAS TOO BRIGHT FOR THEIR TIMING SCREENS, MA'AM! YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?! IT'S PROTEST TIME! BOYEEEEE!"
Anita Brake (Paddock Rumours Weekly): Fernando Horta was seen walking away from his car carrying a bucket of track sand. Was that related to engine ballast or pure frustration?
Samuel J. Lackson: That sand is state secrets, Anita! Next question! In fact, no more questions before I throw this podium trophy through a window!
Ps. Davinci, where are you?! We needed you in Dubai just to drive 100 meters so someone could actually record a valid lap time!
