Did someone spike Jozef Venc's espresso with sleeping pills before the lights went out at Imola, or is Fernando Horta just paying off the timing monitors with smuggled contraband? That is the burning question echoing through the Autodromo Enzo e Dino Ferrari paddock today after a frantic three-lap Porsche GT3-RS sprint that ended in absolute heartbreak for Machanek Racing.
Over in our garage, team morale is currently lower than a plumber's pipe in World 1-3. Our star Slovakian driver, Jozef Venc in the #61 machine, drove the wheels off his rear-engined German toaster, setting a blistering 1:59.075 and hunting down the leading Coca Cola Porsche like a starving Koopa Troopa chasing a stray coin. Yet, when the chequered flag fell across the hallowed Italian tarmac, Horta's #99 car crossed the line a mere 0.751 seconds ahead. Seven hundred and fifty-one milliseconds! You could blink and miss the entire margin of our despair.
We consulted our chief technical advisor, Dr. Robotnik, who spent twenty minutes kicking the front bumper of the #61 and screaming about missing Chaos Emeralds before declaring the aerodynamics were completely fine. The hedgehog... I mean, Horta, he cheated using some sort of suspicious blue shell acceleration physics!
Robotnik ranted, frantically adjusting his pince-nez while kicking a stray spanner across the pit lane.
Meanwhile, Horst Felbermayr Jr. snatched third for JVG Racing just behind us, while Jens Petersen and Antonio de Castro scrambled over the remaining scraps like Goombas fighting over a Super Mushroom. But all eyes remain fixed on the timing screens and that agonizingly narrow gap at the front.
Following the race, the media descended on our hospitality unit like hungry piranha plants for our post-race press gaggle:
Luigi Pitstop (Gazzetta dello Sport): Signor Venc, you were breathing down Horta's rear wing for three entire laps. Did you simply run out of road, or did you brake too early into Rivazza?
Jozef Venc (Machanek Racing): We had the pace, Luigi. I looked into my mirrors on the final lap and could practically see the red and white Coca Cola logo burning my retinas. If the race had been four laps instead of three, we would have had him. Instead, we are left crying into our lukewarm pasta.
Peach Toadstool (Paddock Princess Magazine): Is it true that your team principal spent the entire race hiding behind the pit wall throwing green shells at the timing monitors?
Dr. Robotnik (Machanek Technical Consultant): NO COMMENT! THAT IS MALICIOUS PROPAGANDA SPREAD BY ITALIAN PLUMBERS!
Ps. Where on earth is Mansell? We left him guarding the spare gearboxes in the paddock three hours ago and now he's allegedly trading our pit-lane air compressor for a bootleg Game Boy.
