"I am telling you, man, the cork on that Jack Daniels bottle was tampered with by someone who speaks fluent Portuguese and has an unhealthy obsession with red Italian tin cans." — Anonymous paddock whisperer
Jack Daniels Racing issued a press release this morning that reads as follows:
JACK DANIELS RACING OFFICIAL STATEMENT:
We wish to formally and vigorously protest the entire three-lap duration of the Circuit de Nevers Magny-Cours sprint. Finishing a mere 1.735 seconds behind Fernando Horta's #27 Ferrari 360 GTC is an insult to grain alcohol everywhere. Our driver, Steven Richards, piloted the #07 entry with the grace of a drunken kangaroo and still managed a staggering 1:42.877 fastest lap—better than the actual race winner! Yet, somehow, Horta's #27 crossed the line first in 0:05:17.982. We demand an immediate investigation into whether the Scuderia Ferrari pit crew was using rocket fuel or simply bribing the timekeepers with smuggled boxes of Brahma beer. Furthermore, Tafel Racing's Dirk Mueller (#71) is disqualified from sniffing our paddock for finishing third, and Felipe Massa (#05) is hereby requested to stop driving his own honorary tribute car in our mirrors. We will be appealing this result to whatever bureaucrat is currently napping.
Meanwhile, Scuderia Libra Team Principal Skinner was found wandering the Magny-Cours hospitality tent holding a spark plug and asking everyone if this was the steering wheel. "Wait, we entered a car? Whose car? Is this a Ferrari or a toaster? Caspita, where is the espresso?" muttered Skinner, before accidentally signing a sponsorship contract with a stray French cat.
Behind the fierce podium battle, Andrew Howard (#99), Andrea Ravani (#83), Aaron Scott (#61), and Gines Vivancos (#58) completed the classification after three breathless laps of dodging imaginary oil slicks and real competence. The duudes have spoken.
Ps. Liz, if you are reading this, please come back and explain to Skinner how a gearbox works before he tries to fry an egg in the alternator.
