The heat over the Circuito de Jerez is thick enough to slice with a rusted spoon, and Dr. Ivo Robotnik is currently sobbing into a large, greasy bag of churros while chewing his own mustache.
Kent Komeu (The Punning Herald): Mike Thackwell took a narrow 1.4-second victory over Jaques Villeneuve across five laps of absolute chaos, but Dr. Robotnik, we need to talk about Fernando Horta trailing home in tenth place, nearly 47 seconds back in a tiny Lotus Elise against GT1 beasts. How did this happen?
Dr. Ivo Robotnik (Tyrant Motorsport Engineer): PIIIIIGS! ABSOLUTE PIIIIIIGS! HE RRRRRUNS THE LLLLOTUS LIKE A SQUISHED HEDGEHOG! I TOLD HIIIIM, FERNANDO, DO NOT DRRRRRRIVE THE TEA TRAY INTO THE GRAVEL, AND WHAT DOES HE DO? HE TTOOK THE CHICANE LLLLIKE A BLIND BADGER IN A LAUNDRY MACHIIINE!
Sally Speed (Pit Lane Gazette): Dr. Robotnik, your car wasn't even on the podium, yet you are the most distressed person in Spain right now.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik (Tyrant Motorsport Engineer): SILENCE, WOOOMAN! DO YOU KNOOOW HOW MUCH MUUUAMBA PARTS I HAAAVE TO SMUUGGLE THROUGH CUSTOMS TO KEEP THAT LLLLOTUS ROOOLLING? NIIINE CRRRATES OF FAKE FERRARI WINGS AND A BOXLLE OF BAD EXPREEEESSO! AND HE FIIINISHED BEHIND EMMANUEL COLLARD'S PORSCHE! MY GEEENIUS IS WAAASTED ON THESE BUFFOOONS! SNOOPING AS USUAL, I SEE!
Artie Choke (Grid Chronicle): Mike Thackwell's Saleen S7-R sliced past Sam O Sulkyvan's Ferrari late in the race to take the win, while Horta was simply touring. Was there any mechanical failure, or was it pure driver despair?
Dr. Ivo Robotnik (Tyrant Motorsport Engineer): FAAAAILURE? THE OOOONLY FAAAAILURE IS HORTA'S BRAIIIN! HE SPAAARENT THRRREE LAPS ARRRGUING WITH A MAAARSHAL ABOUT A BAAASKET OF CHURRRROS! I WILL TTTURN HIM INTO A ROBOT! I WILL TTTURRN HIS ENTIRE TEAM INTO PLAAASTIC ROBOT CHICKEEEENS!
*Robotnik kicks a stray tyre, misses completely, and falls face-first into a pile of empty Brahma cans.*
Ps. Moustache
