Fernando Horta drove his #01 USSR Lotus F1 Team Mosler MT900R to a seven-lap victory at Circuit de Nevers Magny-Cours in 0:07:22.740, holding off Laurence Tomlinson's TVR by nearly five seconds despite total cockpit pandemonium.
ToeJam (#27 crew): Yo Earl, man, look at this dude out front! Is he actually steering or just flailing around like a wet noodle?
Earl (#27 crew): Man, I don't know, but he's burning through rubber faster than my cousin's hoverboard on a hot sidewalk. Hey Horta, you awake in there?
Fernando Horta (Driver #01): Fellas, my tires are screaming, someone left a half-eaten sandwich in the footwell, and I think I'm seeing colors that haven't been invented yet!
ToeJam (#27 crew): See? Told you. Total amateur hour. Hey, watch out for that curb, dude, you're gonna spill my grape soda!
Barry “Brake-Bias” Blunder (The Daily Chicane): Horta, how do you manage to look so utterly clueless while accidentally winning by four seconds?
Fernando Horta: Honestly, I just closed my eyes and thought about cold beer. Apparently, it's an aerodynamic advantage.
Luigi “Apex” Rossi (Gazzetta dello Skidmark): Caspita! Did you bribe the timekeepers or did the Mosler just drive itself?
Fernando Horta: Yes.
Ps. Lost and found in the paddock: one left driving glove stained with mustard, a suspicious copy of a 1997 Sega Saturn game, and Laurence Tomlinson's missing sense of humor. Claim them at the timing tower before Earl eats them.
