Did Fernando Horta actually attempt to race the Red Bull Ring, or did he simply enter the paddock to test whether the pit lane vending machine accepted Brazilian coins? The Super Mario World MotorSports MicroSoft Duudes Driivers Council Foundation (SMWMSDDCCF), sitting in a heavily fortified nap bunker somewhere beneath Curitiba, has issued its official ruling regarding Motion 20260905/01.
EXHIBIT A: The official race classification shows 33 starters traversing the Austrian hills. Mike Hezemans dominated over 22 laps in the Force One Festina Chrysler Viper, clocking a winning time of 32:14.840.
EXHIBIT B: At the very bottom of the timing monitor, safely ensconced in position 32, sits the #88 Ferrari 360 GT of Fernando Horta. Total distance covered: exactly one (1) lap, completed in a leisurely 1:44.305 before a terminal case of vanishing ambition struck the driver.
RULING: Having reviewed the telemetry and consulted with our resident engineering consultant, Mr. Spongebob SquarePants—who was pulled away from his duties at the Krusty Krab to inspect the wreckage—the ElderCouncil finds as follows:
The petitioner's claim that a rogue jellyfish clogged the Ferrari's air intake on lap two is dismissed as preposterous. Furthermore, Spongebob's expert testimony that 'the car was ready to flip like a Krabby Patty' carries no legal weight under Unofficial Rulebook section 404/B. The #88 entry is officially classified as having completed a very expensive installation lap, after which Mr. Horta presumably retired to the hospitality tent to complain about his tyres.
No further thoughts will be given on this matter, and the ElderCouncil will now retire to watch reruns of Rocko's Modern Life until dinner.
Post-Ruling Press Gaggle
Kent Komeu - The Punning Herald: Council, is there any truth to the rumour that Horta's car was simply parked because he forgot how many laps a 4.2-kilometer circuit actually is?
The Priest of the Temples of FD: *Adjusts ceremonial robes and squints at a piece of toast* We have consulted the ancient scrolls, and they indicate that counting past two is strictly optional in Rio Grande do Sul.
R.U. Serious - Daily Weekly: Does this single-lap disaster mean Team Maranello Concessionaires will switch to bicycles for the next round?
The Priest of the Temples of FD: *Yawns loudly and knocks over a mug of lukewarm coffee* Bicycles have too many moving parts. Next question.
Ps. Dave, where are you?! We needed someone to finish 33rd just to make Horta feel better about his life choices!
