TICKER: HORTA OBLITERATES OSCHERSLEBEN! FIVE SECONDS FASTER PER LAP! IS IT COCA-COLA IN THE FUEL TANK OR COCAINE IN THE AIR FILTER?!
The press room at Oschersleben is vibrating with pure, unadulterated shock as journalists choke on their currywurst over the mind-bending 4-minute-and-58-second GT2 sprint!
(Heinz Ketchup - The Daily Mustard) Fernando, you didn't just win this three-lap blast; your best lap of 1:33.598 was almost five full seconds faster than second-place Rudi Penders' 1:38.266! How is this legally possible in a standard Porsche GT3-RS #99?
Fernando Horta (Winner): *laughs maniacally* I drank three cans of warm Coke before the green light and my hands were shaking so fast I was shifting gears at the speed of light! Rudi was driving a Porsche, but I was driving a vibrating quantum washing machine! It only took 10,977 metres of tarmac to completely break their spirits! *clap clap clap*
(Otto Mobile - Das Ist Schnell Magazine) Gerold Ried took P3 in the #69 Proton car, but he was nearly six seconds behind your total race time. Is the rest of the GT2 field just standing still, or are you secretly running rocket fuel?
Fernando Horta (Winner): No rocket fuel, just pure fear of the German corners! But my chief engineer has another explanation for our unbelievable pace.
(Penny Pincher - Weight Weavers Weekly) Patrick "Paper" Head, you are inspecting the Coca Cola chassis right now with a magnifying glass. Have you found any illegal weight-saving or sabotage?
Patrick "Paper" Head (Chassis Whisperer): Sabotage! Absolute sabotage! I have discovered a layer of heavy German dust on the front splitter! Someone tried to slow us down by adding 0.003 grams of Oschersleben soil to our Porsche! It was a clear attempt to ruin our aerodynamics, but Fernando's raw velocity overcame the dirt!
Ps. Jens, we saw you back in P5! Stop watching the scenery and accelerate!
