"I am looking at this paper, and it says three cars crossed the line with a gap of exactly one-thousandth of a second, but one of them was in a different dimension of space-time where they did six laps instead of five. I have decided to go eat some cheese." — Team Principal Skinner, Scuderia Libra.
Scuderia Libra issued a press release this morning that reads as follows:
Following the events of the Monza Sprint Race, Scuderia Libra formally demands a complete recalibration of the atomic clocks used by the Monza timing marshals. Our driver, Juliano Flores, crossed the finish line 0.002 seconds behind the victor, Dave, while completing exactly 16.6% less distance than him. Under standard Italian bureaucratic decree, doing less work for the same result should be rewarded, not penalized with third place.
Furthermore, we do not understand how Dave completed six laps in 11 minutes and 23.087 seconds while our driver completed only five laps in 11 minutes and 23.089 seconds. It is mathematically impossible unless Losel Racing has found a way to fold the Curva Grande into a neat paper crane. We are deeply confused, slightly hungry, and our purple Saleen is currently smelling of burnt gorgonzola. We protest this entire dimension.
Monza Press Gaggle
Alan Connection (Wifi News): Principal Skinner, did the team consider that Juliano was simply driving slower, hence completing fewer laps in the exact same total race time?
Team Principal Skinner: Slower? No. He was conserving the space-time continuum. If you drive too fast at Monza, you end up in the next race prematurely. We are saving that energy for the final two rounds of the championship.
Trevus Belmort (Goth Sips): Is it true that the Scuderia Libra garage spent the entire Sprint race trying to program the pit limiter to play Italian opera instead of actually tracking Dave's progress?
Team Principal Skinner: This is a baseless accusation. It was actually Antonio Vivaldi, and it was beautiful. The Saleen S7-R engine makes a very good bassline, especially when it is bouncing off the rev limiter in the pitlane.
Livio Orificio (AOLUOLBOL): With only two races left in the season and Fernando Horta holding an 11-point lead over Juliano, is the championship still alive for Scuderia Libra?
Team Principal Skinner: Wait, there is a championship? I thought we were just collecting very expensive Italian parking tickets. Nobody tells me anything around here.
Ps. Mansell, please return the timing monitor you took from the media center, we know it's under your mattress.
