Thomas Biagi (P2, BMS Scuderia Italia): "Do I look happy? Caspita, I am about as happy as a cat in a washing machine! Fabrizio wins the race by two seconds, but who did the actual driving? Look at the timing screen! My best lap is a 1:34.254. His is a 1:36.073! He was driving like a nonna going to Sunday mass, yet he takes the gold? Something is stinking in Sicily, and it is not just the lake."
The paddock is whispering, and frankly, so are we. BMS Scuderia Italia secured a magnificent 1-2 finish at the Autodromo di Pergusa, but the post-race champagne tasted remarkably like cheap vinegar behind the closed doors of our motorhome. Fabrizio Gollin took the top step, but the garage is heavily divided. Rumors are flying that Gollin's Ferrari 550 Maranello had some extra 'assistance' in the software department, courtesy of our newly hired Chief Systems Architect, Dennis Nedry.
Nedry, who arrived last week after some messy legal trouble at a Costa Rican theme park, was seen before the race stuffing suspicious, highly pressurized shaving cream cans into the spare tire racks. When our mechanics tried to access the telemetry to see why Biagi was nearly two seconds faster per lap but still stuck behind, the terminal screen just flashed a cartoon of Nedry shaking his finger: "Ah, ah, ah! You didn't say the magic word!". Team Principal Luca di Guevara was seen throwing his clipboard at a vending machine in pure Italian fury.
Meanwhile, what of the others? A complete non-event for the rest of the grid. That yellow Lister Storm driven by Fernando Horta somehow stumbled into fourth place, completely invisible. Rumor has it his car only survived the brutal Sicilian heat because the Lotus F1 Team smuggled some contraband cooling fans from the Radial Leste markets. Our sources say Horta spent half the race trying to tune his radio to find a broadcast of the football match instead of hitting his apexes. A total circus, for dios mio!
And let us not even talk about Rubens Barrichello. The man was flying—absolutely blistering the track with a 1:34.030 in his Brawn GP Ferrari—before his engine exploded on lap four. Nedry was seen near the Brawn garage earlier that morning with a screwdriver and a bag of Butterfingers. Coincidence? We think not.
Post-Race Whispers
Gero DiNapoli (Gazzetta dello Sbando): Fabrizio, Thomas claims you won today because your telemetry was locked and his engine mapping was secretly limited to 'pasta water' mode. Care to comment?
Fabrizio Gollin (Winner): Thomas should spend less time looking at spreadsheets and more time looking at my beautiful rear bumper. The Ferrari 550 is a stallion, not a calculator. If he wants to cry, I have some leftover cannoli he can use to dry his tears.
Sandro Sotto-Sopra (Il Fatto Motoristico): Luca, there are reports that Dennis Nedry has locked the entire BMS timing stand out of the mainframe and is currently demanding a helicopter. Is this affecting team morale?
Luca di Guevara (Team Principal): *screaming* CASPITA! We have everything under control! He has only locked the espresso machine and the tire blankets! Nobody panic! If anyone sees him near the paddock gate with a yellow raincoat, tackle him!
Official Council Directive: Motion 20030511/22
The Super Mario World MotorSports MicroSoft Duudes Drivers Council has noted a severe spatial anomaly in the Pergusa results. Position 22 and Position 29 have completely vanished from reality. We suspect they have been sucked into a Sicilian black hole or smuggled out of the paddock in Nedry's shaving cream cans. No points will be awarded to these non-existent entities. The council is now going to eat some arancini and take a three-hour nap.
Ps. Dave, where are you?! We need you back to fix the IT system, Nedry is currently eating all the team biscuits and the servers are making a weird squealing sound.
