The Super Mario World MotorSport Timekeeping & Drop Bear Disputes Council (SMWMSTDBDC) has issued its ruling on Motion 20261004/01, filed by Fernando Horta against his own result. A driver protesting his own podium: a first in the history of the sport.
The facts of the case
Eight laps of Mount Panorama, thirty GT cars. Early in the race the timing loop forgot to count one crossing for 22 of the 30 cars. Only the eight cars at the back of the grid were counted properly, the #63 Corvette of Horta among them. The timing screen then published the following masterpiece:
- Exhibit A: Ian Jolicoeur 1st, Drew Lidkea 2nd, Fernando Horta 3rd, all inside the first 18:15.
- Exhibit B: David Poel, listed 9th with 19:22.112, because nobody showed him the chequered flag at the end of his real 8th lap, so he politely drove a 9th. Fifteen others did the same.
- Exhibit C: Chris Durand, David Canavan, Bruno Said, Eric Marecki, Brad Merys and Bjorn Hehmann, classified 25th to 30th and one lap down, after finishing on the same lap as everybody else.
- Exhibit D: the "fastest lap of the race", a 2:05.795 by Johnny Lugnuts, set on that bonus lap, after his race was already over.
Expert witness Mick "Crocodile" Dundee, shown the 19:22.112 of Exhibit B, laughed. "That's not a race time." Then he pointed at the 17:15.010 the council had worked out from Poel's real crossing. "That's a race time."
Testimony of the plaintiff, who is also the accused
Fernando Horta (#63, Corvette Racing): "Let me be very clear: I did not finish third. I started 29th and the first lap was bumper cars, everybody wanted a piece of the Corvette. Then at the end of lap 2, at The Chase, David Canavan arrived like a cruise missile with no guidance system and threw me out of the track. I came out of that dead last with a bent car, and spent the rest of the race fighting my own teammate Christian Hamilton like two cousins fighting for the last coxinha at a birthday party. My best lap was 2:11.400, which is 5.348 seconds slower than the fastest lap of the race. Per lap. A podium given by a broken stopwatch is like a Rolex bought on 25 de Março street: it shines, but everybody knows. On track I crossed the line right ahead of Chris Durand. That is 19th. Give me my 19th."
David Canavan (Schubert Motorsport): "The BMW was set up in Munich with the Autobahn mode on. Nobody told the car about The Chase. I sent a fax to Bavaria." He finished 21st, 1.912s behind the car he launched.
Christian Hamilton (#62, Corvette Racing): "Cousins? He spent the whole race in my mirrors with half a car, and I still could not get rid of him. I need a new teammate or new mirrors." Hamilton finished 27th, 4.787s behind Horta.
David Poel (Spyker Squadron): "I crossed the line, no flag. So I did one more lap. When I came back the screen said I was ninth. Nine laps for the price of eight, and they give me ninth."
Ruling
Under rule number 8/9 of the Unofficial Rulebook to rule them all, the council rebuilt the classification from each car's crossing at the end of its real 8th lap. Everybody did 8 laps.
- David Poel (Spyker C8 Spyder GT2-R), 17:15.010
- Johnny Lugnuts (JMB Racing Ferrari F430 GT2), +4.847s
- Thiago Canola (Flying Lizard Porsche 996 GT3-RSR), +7.187s
Johnny Lugnuts' 2:05.795 is struck from the record, and the fastest lap goes to Lou Masciarelli with 2:06.052, on his way to 11th. The former podium of Jolicoeur, Lidkea and Horta becomes 17th, 18th and 19th, and the six cars "one lap down" are back on the lead lap. The motion is granted, the plaintiff loses, and he is very happy about it.
The ElderCouncil then adjourned to Mount Panorama with Mr. Dundee, two torches and a butterfly net to look for the missing lap. At the time of publication they had found one drop bear, a hubcap from the #63 Corvette and no lap.
