THE DAILY SLIPSTREAM: "Belgian Waffles or Belgian Disasters? USSR Lotus Sinks in Zolder Sand."
USSR LOTUS F1 TEAM issued a press release this morning that reads as follows:
Following yesterday's absolute shambles at Circuit Zolder, where our lead driver Fernando Horta dragged the #01 Saleen S7-R to a miserable P7 finish—a whopping 35.9 seconds behind Luca Capellari’s victorious Ferrari 550 Maranello—the team board has convened an emergency panel.
To restore order, we have hired legendary Brazilian television host Fausto Silva as our new Director of Live Operational Disasters. Fausto, upon reviewing the telemetry where Horta’s best lap of 1:31.265 looked like a slow-motion replay compared to Capellari's blistering 1:27.283, was brutally honest during our staff meeting:
Fausto Silva (Director of Live Disasters): Ô loco, bicho! This isn't racing, it's a Sunday parade! The Saleen was turning slower than a truck carrying smuggled bricks on the Radial Leste. We were overtaken by John Smith! A guy named John Smith! If I wanted to see someone negotiate corners this slowly, I would have stayed in the studio! It is a disaster both in the personal and professional realms!
We apologize to our supporters. The aerodynamic imbalance was severe, and the driver spent three of the five laps trying to tune the radio to a local pop station rather than hitting the apexes. We will do better.
Ps. Sponsor Disclaimer: Today's sluggish performance was generously subsidized by "Brazuca Spark Plugs"—they don't always spark, but when they do, it is usually in the paddock kitchen.
