IT IS OVER! RUBENS BARRICHELLO CROSSES THE LINE TO WIN AT MONZA! BRAWN GP TRIUMPHS IN THE FERRARI 550! *screaming into the microphone with veins bulging on the neck* WHAT A SENSATIONAL SPRINT! But wait, my friends! Turn back the clock! Rewind the tape! Let us return to the very start of this ultra-short three-lap madness, because the biggest tragedy in Monza happened before the field even reached Curva Grande!
Galvão (FDTV Play-by-Play): Green light! Green light! No, wait! HAJA CORAÇÃO! Disaster at the back! Look at the JPS Andretti Maserati of Fernando Horta! It is smoking! It is not moving! He has not even crossed the start line and it is a DNF! Zero laps completed! Absolute catastrophe! Big Casagrande, what on earth did you see there?
Big Casagrande (Co-commentator): Well, Galvão, in my tactical analysis, if a racing car does not move forward, it remains in the same place. And when you remain in the same place while forty-seven other cars are accelerating at two hundred miles per hour, your chances of winning the Grand Prix are mathematically reduced. He finished forty-eighth. It is a tough day for the Brazilian.
Galvão: Brilliant analysis! A masterclass in physics! But the race goes on! Rubens Barrichello leads! But look at Tony Stewart in the Home Depot Lamborghini! He is driving like a possessed demon, setting a blistering fastest lap of 1:44.031! He is putting the pressure on!
[FDTV COMMERCIAL BREAK]
Are you tired of your five-hundred-horsepower Maserati MC12 turning into an expensive paperweight before the first turn? Try Brahma-Super-Coolant! It will not save your gearbox from immediate emotional collapse, but at least your beer will remain ice-cold while you wait for the recovery truck! Brahma: the official sponsor of those who do not finish.
In the pit lane, team principal Hugh Laurie did not look pleased with the premature retirement.
Hugh Laurie (Team Principal): The telemetry claims it was an instantaneous transmission seizure. But people lie. I suspect Horta simply saw the queue at the paddock espresso bar and decided three laps of high-speed vibration was not worth missing a fresh cannoli. We are investigating the car. And by investigating, I mean I am going to insult the chief mechanic until he cries.
Meanwhile, the radio waves were absolutely sizzling with pure, unfiltered despair:
Horta (#55 Radio): WHAT IS THAT NOISE?! Is the engine on fire?!
Crew (#55 Pit): Fernando, please stop screaming, our monitors are showing... actually, the monitor is just glowing red.
Horta (#55 Radio): It is dead! The car is completely dead! I did not even get to shift into second gear!
Galvão: Unbelievable! While Horta is already walking back to the motorhome to hide, Shakov in the USSR Lotus F1 Team Porsche 911 GT2 secures an incredible, heroic P3! He held off Dale Jarrett's Lamborghini by a mere seventy-five thousandths of a second! Barrichello wins, Stewart takes second, and Shakov rounds out the podium!
Ps. Dave, where are you?! At least you finished P32 in your Maserati, you beautiful survivor!
