*SCREAMING UNCONTROLLABLY INTO A MEGAPHONE WHILE STANDING TRIPPED-UP ON A PILE OF UNUSED BRIDGESTONE RACING SLICKS*
WE HAVE ANNIHILATED THE LAWS OF TYPICAL MATHEMATICS! The Tajimax McLaren F-1 GTR team is proud to announce a historic, earth-shattering, moral victory of the highest caliber at the legendary Silverstone Circuit! Yes, the official papers will tell you that Fernando Horta finished in 14th position. They will tell you he was 34 seconds behind the winning Honda NSX of Ryo Michigami. But those are dry, corporate LIES designed to suppress the raw, unadulterated speed of the #20 McLaren! In a brutal, heart-stopping 3-lap sprint, we proved that we possess the ultimate velocity, unleashing a blistering 1:18.063 lap that left most of the GT500 elite absolutely trembling in their carbon-fiber tubs!
Fernando Horta (Driver of the #20 Tajimax McLaren): I am absolutely vibrating right now! Only three laps! Three laps of pure, unadulterated madness in the middle of a Japanese GT500 invasion in the United Kingdom! Who planned this?! I jumped into the McLaren and immediately felt like I was piloting a jet fighter through a swarm of angry bees. On lap one, I think I was trying to find out which way the track went because everything was a blur of blue Calsonic Nissans and yellow headlights. But then, on lap two, I found the sweet spot. I squeezed that throttle, the V12 screamed, and I clocked a 1:18.063! Do you realize how fast that is?! That is faster than almost everyone! I was flying! If this race was a standard, civilized length instead of a micro-sprint that ended before I could even warm up my tires, I would be drinking champagne from Michigami's helmet! Instead, I got caught in a giant sandwich of Nissan Zs, spent half a lap dodging Erik Comas like a '72 Brasília dodging Radial Leste potholes, and crossed the line 14th. Fourteenth! But spiritually? We are morally P1 in the universe of speed!
Flavor Flav (Losel Racing Brand Ambassador): YEAAAAAH BOYEEEEE! YOU SEE THAT CLOCK?! THAT MCLAREN WAS FLYING BUT THE TIME WAS FLYING FASTER! TICK-TOCK, FERNANDO! YOU GOT THAT 1:18 SPEED BUT YOU ENDED UP IN THE MID-PACK TRAFFIC JAM! WE WEARING THE BIG CLOCKS AROUND OUR NECKS JUST TO MEASURE THAT GAP! UNBELIEVABLE!
Samuel J. Lackson (Losel Racing Special Consultant): I have had it with these motherfudging GT500 cars on this motherfudging Silverstone grass! A 1:18.063?! That is a beautiful, righteous lap time! But you finished fourteenth, Fernando! Fourteenth! Do they speak English in the Takata Dome?! Because they sure as hell didn't let you pass! Next time, you tell those Honda drivers that the path of the righteous McLaren is beset on all sides by the tyranny of short sprint races!
Ps. Jens, we saw you lurking behind the Calsonic Impul garage. Stop trying to sniff our exhaust, we know you want to touch the McLaren!
