At the checkered flag of Round 9 at Snetterton Circuit, Fernando Horta took a crushing victory for Williams Grand Prix Engineering, finishing 19 laps in 21:50.784 with a best lap of 1:05.991—a massive 42.8 seconds clear of Dave's Losel Racing Ferrari 360 GTC in second, while Juliano Flores nursed Scuderia Libra home a full lap down in third after losing second place to Dave on lap two. But to understand how this 42-second demolition occurred, we must rewind the tape and listen to the raw, unedited pit-to-car radio chatter between Horta and his guest Chief Race Engineer for the weekend, rock legend Ozzy Osbourne.
Fernando Horta (#01): Check, check. Radio check. Guys, the car feels balanced, but the windscreen is covered in British fog and dead midges.
Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): All aboard! Ha ha ha ha! Fernando, turn the wipers on or I will personally throw a bat at your helmet. You are currently leading by zero point zero seconds because you have not even dropped the clutch yet, man.
Fernando Horta (#01): Clutch dropped. We are through Turn 1. Juliano tried to dive inside, but I gave him the classical Brazilian polite turn-in. He is behind.
Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): Good. Now stop shouting into the mic like a bloke at a pub at three in the morning. Your lap time on lap one was satisfactory, but your throttle application sounds like a lawnmower choking on grass.
Fernando Horta (#01): Throttle choked? I just set a 1:05.991! Look at the gap! I am flying through Sears Corner!
Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): I have seen mobility scooters carry more speed through Sears Corner, Fernando. Dave just passed Juliano on lap two for second place. Dave! The man who usually stops on lap four to check his horoscope!
Fernando Horta (#01): Dave is in P2? How? Did Scuderia Libra forget to put fuel in Tibbie’s car again?
Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): Tibbie is currently inspecting the grass verge at Esses. Focus on your own steering wheel, bark at the moon, and stop asking about Scuderia Libra. You are three seconds faster per lap than the entire field. It is honestly embarrassing for them, but mostly embarrassing for us that we have to watch you drive this slow.
Fernando Horta (#01): I am not driving slow! I am managing the rear tyres! The Ferrari 360 is sliding out of the Hairpin!
Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): You are managing to bore ninety thousand British spectators to sleep, that is what you are managing. You have a forty-second lead over Dave. If you slow down any more to save tyres, the stewards will classify you as a parked vehicle and give you a drive-through for illegal parking in Norfolk.
Fernando Horta (#01): Is the mandatory drive-through window open yet? Should I pit now?
Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): Do not talk to me about strategy, man! I do not even know what continent we are in! Just drive down the pit lane, limiter on, do not hit the pit crew, and try not to stall like you did at Spa.
Fernando Horta (#01): Drive-through served cleanly! Limiter off! Rejoining still in the lead by over thirty seconds. Dave is forty-two seconds back!
Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): Splendid. You are now lapping Juliano. Please pass him cleanly and do not invite him to dinner on the radio.
Fernando Horta (#01): I am lapping Scuderia Libra! *honks imaginary horn* Bye bye Tibbie!
Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): Stop honking, you maniac! Bring the car home. Final lap. Nineteen laps completed. Checkered flag.
Fernando Horta (#01): Yes! Victory at Snetterton! Williams Grand Prix back on top of the podium!
Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): Congratulations, Fernando. That was almost acceptable. Now turn off the engine before you ruin my hearing even more.
Ps. Correction: An earlier version of this report stated Ozzy Osbourne was hired for his technical expertise in aerodynamic downforce; he was actually hired because Patrick Head lost a coin toss at a Birmingham petrol station.
