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Race report: Snetterton Radio Remix: Horta Demolishes Field with Ozzy Osbourne on Pit Wall

At the checkered flag of Round 9 at Snetterton Circuit, Fernando Horta took a crushing victory for Williams Grand Prix Engineering, finishing 19 laps in 21:50.784 with a best lap of 1:05.991—a massive 42.8 seconds clear of Davinci's Losel Racing Ferrari 360 GTC in second, while Roger Wilco nursed Scuderia Libra home a full lap down in third after losing second place to Davinci on lap two. But to understand how this 42-second demolition occurred, we must rewind the tape and listen to the raw, unedited pit-to-car radio chatter between Horta and his guest Chief Race Engineer for the weekend, rock legend Ozzy Osbourne.

Fernando Horta (#01): Check, check. Radio check. Guys, the car feels balanced, but the windscreen is covered in British fog and dead midges.

Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): All aboard! Ha ha ha ha! Fernando, turn the wipers on or I will personally throw a bat at your helmet. You are currently leading by zero point zero seconds because you have not even dropped the clutch yet, man.

Fernando Horta (#01): Clutch dropped. We are through Turn 1. Roger tried to dive inside, but I gave him the classical Brazilian polite turn-in. He is behind.

Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): Good. Now stop shouting into the mic like a bloke at a pub at three in the morning. Your lap time on lap one was satisfactory, but your throttle application sounds like a lawnmower choking on grass.

Fernando Horta (#01): Throttle choked? I just set a 1:05.991! Look at the gap! I am flying through Sears Corner!

Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): I have seen mobility scooters carry more speed through Sears Corner, Fernando. Davinci just passed Roger on lap two for second place. Davinci! The man who usually stops on lap four to check his horoscope!

Fernando Horta (#01): Davinci is in P2? How? Did Scuderia Libra forget to put fuel in Tibbie’s car again?

Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): Tibbie is currently inspecting the grass verge at Esses. Focus on your own steering wheel, bark at the moon, and stop asking about Scuderia Libra. You are three seconds faster per lap than the entire field. It is honestly embarrassing for them, but mostly embarrassing for us that we have to watch you drive this slow.

Fernando Horta (#01): I am not driving slow! I am managing the rear tyres! The Ferrari 360 is sliding out of the Hairpin!

Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): You are managing to bore ninety thousand British spectators to sleep, that is what you are managing. You have a forty-second lead over Davinci. If you slow down any more to save tyres, the stewards will classify you as a parked vehicle and give you a drive-through for illegal parking in Norfolk.

Fernando Horta (#01): Is the mandatory drive-through window open yet? Should I pit now?

Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): Do not talk to me about strategy, man! I do not even know what continent we are in! Just drive down the pit lane, limiter on, do not hit the pit crew, and try not to stall like you did at Spa.

Fernando Horta (#01): Drive-through served cleanly! Limiter off! Rejoining still in the lead by over thirty seconds. Davinci is forty-two seconds back!

Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): Splendid. You are now lapping Roger. Please pass him cleanly and do not invite him to dinner on the radio.

Fernando Horta (#01): I am lapping Scuderia Libra! *honks imaginary horn* Bye bye Tibbie!

Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): Stop honking, you maniac! Bring the car home. Final lap. Nineteen laps completed. Checkered flag.

Fernando Horta (#01): Yes! Victory at Snetterton! Williams Grand Prix back on top of the podium!

Ozzy Osbourne (#01 Chief Engineer): Congratulations, Fernando. That was almost acceptable. Now turn off the engine before you ruin my hearing even more.

Ps. Correction: An earlier version of this report stated Ozzy Osbourne was hired for his technical expertise in aerodynamic downforce; he was actually hired because Patrick Head lost a coin toss at a Birmingham petrol station.

Disclaimer: This is a fictional, satirical report of a online race. No events described on this text are to be taken seriously, and by no means reflect the author or their views, quotes or situations. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental

Classification

Position		Driver	Team	Car	Laps	Gap	Best Lap	Points
1		FERNANDO HORTA	WILLIAMS GRAND PRIX ENGINEERING	FERRARI 360 GTC	19	0:21:50.784	1:05.991	21
2		DAVINCI	LOSEL RACING	FERRARI 360 GTC	19	+ 42.873	1:08.836	12
3		ROGER WILCO	SCUDERIA LIBRA	FERRARI 360 GTC	18	+ 1 LAP	1:09.093	8

Fastest Lap Progression

Every time the race's fastest lap was beaten, from lap 2 (lap 1 is a standing start).

Lap Chart

Position at the end of every lap, FERNANDO HORTA highlighted. Hover a line or a name to follow a driver, click or tap to keep it highlighted; dashed lines are cars that retired.

Leaders

FERNANDO HORTA led every lap.

Gaps

Time behind at the end of every lap. The scale stops at about one lap (1:09.740): lines break where a car drops further back. Hover or tap a line to follow a driver.

Lap by Lap

Each lap's notable moments, quiet stretches grouped; tap a row for the full order with lap times and gaps. The logs don't record pit stops: they're worked out from lap times, so a spin that costs as much time can read as one.

Driver Standings

Position	Driver	Team	Points
1	FERNANDO HORTA	WILLIAMS GRAND PRIX ENGINEERING	101
2	ROGER WILCO	SCUDERIA LIBRA	82
3	DAVINCI	LOSEL RACING	66
4	GOOFY	MAPUA RACING	29

Team Standings

Position	Team	Points
1	SCUDERIA LIBRA	82
2	WILLIAMS GRAND PRIX ENGINEERING	79
3	LOSEL RACING	66
4	MAPUA RACING	29
5	BORROWED B194	22

Related Images

Scuderia Libra, Ferrari 360 Gtc #9029, Driven By Roger Wilco

Williams Grand Prix Engineering, Ferrari 360 Gtc #10001, Driven By Fernando Horta

Losel Racing, Ferrari 360 Gtc #10049, Driven By Davinci

Snetterton Circuit