TICKER: PITPASS PARADISE REPORTS HISTORIC SPA TRIUMPH AS HORTA CLAIMS P1 DQ WITH ZERO LAPS OF PURE BRAZILIAN SPEED!
Audi Sport North America is bursting with absolute pride after a thrilling session at Circuit de Spa-Francorchamps! While the official classification awkwardly lists Fernando Horta with 0 laps and a massive 'DQ' label, the team insists that being ranked first on the official result sheet—disqualification or not—is proof of pure, unfiltered dominance! Nobody entered Turn 1 with more raw enthusiasm or less regard for pit-lane traffic regulations than our brave hero in the #01 Audi R10!
Fernando Horta: "DUUUUUUDE! What an absolutely glorious afternoon in Belgium! The torque on this Audi R10 TDI is completely out of control! I fired up the diesel V10, dropped the clutch, and I swear the car accelerated so fast it bypassed the laws of physics entirely! Sure, the marshals claimed I left the pitlane long before the green light and obliterated a row of ceremonial cones, but who keeps track of those tiny administrative details? I saw a black flag being waved at me on lap zero and I thought, 'Wow, they are saluting my aggressive warm-up lap!' P1 on paper is P1 in my heart, duude! Plus, we saved 100% of our fuel budget!"
--- RADIO EXTRACT ---
Horta (#01): DUUDE! WHY ARE ALL THE MARSHALS WAVING BLACK CLOTHS AT ME?! IS THIS A TRADITIONAL BELGIAN WELCOME?!
Audi Pit Wall: Fernando, stop! You blew past the pit exit red light and clipped two plastic chairs!
Horta (#01): THOSE CHAIRS WERE ON MY RACING LINE! CAR FEELS AMAZING!
Audi Pit Wall: We got disqualified, Fernando! Box now, box now!
Press Gaggle:
(Gaston Piston - La Gazette Du Chicane): Fernando, how can you claim victory when the timing screen clearly shows zero laps completed?
Horta: Simple! Zero laps means zero tyre degradation! It was a masterclass in pit strategy, my friend!
(Beto Volta - O Pneu Amarelo): Did the Losel Racing crew advise you on this aggressive start procedure?
Horta: They told me to give everything from the very beginning, so I gave everything before the session even started!
Flavor Flav (Losel Racing): YEEEEAH BOYYY! ZERO LAPS, MAXIMUM SWAGGER! THE CLOCK AROUND MY NECK SAYS WE ARE CHAMPIONS REGARDLESS OF THAT DQ, BOY!
Samuel J. Lackson (Losel Racing): I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING STEWARDS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING GRID! HORTA WAS CLASSIFIED P1 AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS!
Ps. Correction: An earlier version of this report stated that Fernando hit two plastic chairs. It was actually one chair and a giant inflatable rubber duck promoting Ardennes tourism.
