{ Fernando Horta } → Racing Games

Race report: Suzuka Showdown: Windshield Wipers and Godzilla Shocks at the Penultimate Press Conference!

THE JAPANESE ASPHALT IS STILL SMOKING AFTER ELEVEN LAPS OF ABSOLUTE MADNESS IN THE SUZUKA FEATURE RACE WHERE ROGER WILCO TOOK A GLORIOUS VICTORIA FOR SCUDERIA LIBRA!

The media center at the Suzuka International Racing Course is absolutely vibrating with the high-pitched screaming of TVR straight-six engines, spilled hot sake, and the scent of vaporized tyres drifting over from the Degner curves!

(Kent Komeu - The Punning Herald)
Roger, you managed to secure a monumental victory here in the Suzuka Feature Race, but we must ask: did you think the championship was slipping away when you saw Fernando Horta setting a blistering 2:10.636 lap, which was literally more than two seconds faster than your best of 2:12.819?

Roger Wilco:
*adjusts purple cap* MA CHE! Let him have his little fastest laps! He can collect them like empty Brahma cans on the beaches of Porto Alegre! In Scuderia Libra, we do not care about individual laps of egoistical exhibitionism, we care about the chequered flag! Eleven laps of absolute, pure concentration! Yes, my TVR was sliding like a wet soap in a Rio bathhouse, but I brought her home in 25 minutes and 20 seconds! We won! Skinner did not even know we were in Japan, he thought we were at the local kart track! But 10 points are mine, and the championship is alive!

(Tião Feto - FIA Times)
Fernando, your raw pace in the Minardi TVR #01 was completely terrifying today, yet you finished nearly four seconds behind Roger. Can you explain what on earth happened during your mandatory drive-through sequence?

Fernando Horta:
YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! The TVR was indeed a space rocket today! I was eating the asphalt! But then came the mandatory drive-through window, and my pit crew—who I suspect are actually underpaid clowns smuggled from a circus in Curitiba—forgot to tell me the pit limiter was mapped to my windshield wipers! I turned on the wipers because of a tiny drop of sweat, and BAM, the car slowed down to 60 km/h in the middle of the Spoon curve! I had to drive the whole straight like a grandfather in a 1972 Brasília!

(Alan Connection - Wifi News)
We actually have a transcript of the Minardi team radio from that exact moment of wiper-induced disaster. Let's play it back for the room:

Horta (#01): "I am flying! The TVR is a spaceship! I can see the International Space Station!"
Crew: "Fernando, you are doing 230 in the Spoon, watch out for the pit entrance!"
Horta (#01): "*Wipers squeaking furiously* WHY IS THE CAR COUGHING? WHY ARE THE WIPERS FLAPPING?"
Crew: "Fernando, you mapped the speed limiter to the rain button! Disable it, disable it now!"
Horta (#01): "I CANNOT HEAR YOU over the sound of my own panic!"

(Dr. Ivo Eggman Robotnik - Tyrant Motorsport Chief Engineer)
CURSE YOU AND YOUR RIDICULOUS WIPERS! This is an absolute r-r-disgrace! Fernando, your so-called Minardi TVR-R-R is utilizing illegal, r-r-recycled components from the scrap heaps of São Paulo! My r-r-robotic analysis dictates that a Minardi cannot physical-l-ly sustain such r-r-velocity without illicit thr-r-thrusters! I demand a full r-r-re-inspection of your crankshaft!

Fernando Horta:
Calm down, Eggman! Go eat some mechanical scrambled eggs! The crankshaft is pure Brazilian steel and muamba! It is legal enough for the SMWMSC! We still finished second, got 8 points, and we lead the championship by 9 points going into the grand finale! Nine points! Roger will need a miracle and a bottle of cachaça to catch me now!

(Trevus Belmort - Goth Sips)
Davinci, Losel Racing secured another podium today, finishing third. However, you were nearly two minutes behind the leader. Were you lost, or did you stop at the chicane to purchase some Japanese souvenirs?

Davinci:
Look, I am just happy to be here. My TVR was doing things that violated several international treaties and the laws of thermodynamics. Yes, my best lap was a 2:15.003, which is basically the speed of a heavily loaded postal truck, but 4 points is 4 points! Flavor Flav is already celebrating with a giant golden clock in the paddock. I did not spin, I did not crash, and I did not activate my windshield wipers by accident. That is a massive win in my book!

Ps. Liz, we missed your LSS racing speed today, the paddock is way too quiet without your usual complaints about the tyre physics!

Disclaimer: This is a fictional, satirical report of a online race. No events described on this text are to be taken seriously, and by no means reflect the author or their views, quotes or situations. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental

Classification

Position		Driver	Team	Car	Laps	Gap	Best Lap	Points
1		ROGER WILCO	SCUDERIA LIBRA	TVR T400R	11	0:25:20.836	2:12.819	10
2		FERNANDO HORTA	MINARDI	TVR T400R	11	+ 03.901	2:10.636	8
3		DAVINCI	LOSEL RACING	TVR T400R	11	+ 01:52.665	2:15.003	4

Fastest Lap Progression

Every time the race's fastest lap was beaten, from lap 2 (lap 1 is a standing start).

Lap Chart

Position at the end of every lap, FERNANDO HORTA highlighted. Hover a line or a name to follow a driver, click or tap to keep it highlighted; dashed lines are cars that retired.

Leaders

2 lead changes over 11 laps.

Gaps

Time behind at the end of every lap. The scale stops at about one lap (2:18.913): lines break where a car drops further back. Hover or tap a line to follow a driver.

Lap by Lap

Each lap's notable moments, quiet stretches grouped; tap a row for the full order with lap times and gaps. The logs don't record pit stops: they're worked out from lap times, so a spin that costs as much time can read as one.

Driver Standings

Position	Driver	Team	Points
1	FERNANDO HORTA	MINARDI	141
2	ROGER WILCO	SCUDERIA LIBRA	132
3	DAVINCI	LOSEL RACING	14
4	RODRIGO PETALS	FLORES TEAM	8

Team Standings

Position	Team	Points
1	SCUDERIA LIBRA	132
2	LOTUS FD TEAM	49
3	USSR LOTUS F1 TEAM	42
4	LOTUS F1 TEAM	31
5 ▲1	LOSEL RACING	14
6 ▼1	SHAKAXD	11
7	MINARDI	8
=	FLORES TEAM	8

Related Images

Minardi, Tvr T400r #3001, Driven By Fernando Horta

Scuderia Libra, Tvr T400r #3029, Driven By Roger Wilco

Losel Racing, Tvr T400r #3049, Driven By Davinci

Suzuka International Racing Course