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Race report: Monza Post-Mortem: Two Laps of Pure Italian Despair

How does a race comprising a mere two laps of the legendary Autodromo Nazionale Monza end in such profound, tear-soaked catastrophe for our brave duudes?

Eurico Maluf (FormulaDuude Organization Executive Director): Ladies, gentlemen, and survivors of what the board is legally required to classify as an endurance event, we are gathered in the stifling press room beneath the Monza grandstands to answer for the two laps of absolute chaos that just unfolded across 5,783 metres of Brianza asphalt.

Kent Komeu - The Punning Herald: Fernando, two laps. That was the entirety of your afternoon in the Alda Competition Porsche 911 GT2, punctuated by a best lap of 2:01.550 that screamed with ambition before your race ended in a disqualification while you were still trying to find fifth gear. How do you find the strength to face the cameras after such a monumental truncation?

Fernando Horta (Alda Competition Driver): *stares blankly into a cup of lukewarm espresso, trembling* Two laps, Kent. Two long, agonizing orbits of a cathedral of speed reduced to a bureaucratic executioner's block. I pushed the #38 Porsche out of the pit lane, I breathed in the carbon and the ghosts of Ascari, I threw the car into the Tamburello chicane with the reckless abandon of a man who has nothing left to lose, and what did the timing monitors grant me? A disqualification. A scarlet letter DQ next to my name after a solitary tour of duty. I feel as though my soul has been left out in the rain to rust.

R.U. Serious - Daily Weekly: Roger Wilco managed to complete two laps as well in the Proton Competition Porsche, securing first position despite crossing the line marked with a DNF next to his time. Executive Director Maluf, how can a driver take the victory whilst officially not finishing?

Eurico Maluf (FormulaDuude Organization Executive Director): Look, the rulebook, specifically Article 4099 sub-section chaos of the Unofficial Rulebook to Rule Them All, states clearly that if a race lasts precisely two laps and everyone fails to complete a third, the universe collapses into a singularity where the driver who expired last wins the wreckage. Mr. Wilco parked his #12 Porsche in a state of terminal mechanical surrender on lap two, while Mr. Horta was unceremoniously expelled by the stewards on lap one. In the math of the FormulaDuude Organization, a DNF beats a DQ every single time. It is logic. It is law. It is tragedy.

Kent Komeu - The Punning Herald: Mr. Horta, your previous Monza outing back in 2008 saw you conquer six laps in a Saleen S7-R with a blazing 1:48.676. Today, you were relegated to a single legal lap in a GT2 before the hammer fell. Is this the end of the line?

Fernando Horta (Alda Competition Driver): *buries his face in his hands, voice cracking* Do not speak to me of 2008. That was an age of innocence, of roaring V8s and uninterrupted dreams. Today was a cruel joke played by cruel gods on a damp Italian afternoon. We came, we saw, we drove twice, and we were smitten from the archives. Hand over whatever is left of my dignity and let me find a dark corner to weep.

Ps. Goofy was last seen trying to refuel a Vespa with leftover pasta sauce in the paddock.

Disclaimer: This is a fictional, satirical report of a online race. No events described on this text are to be taken seriously, and by no means reflect the author or their views, quotes or situations. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental

Classification

Position		Driver	Team	Car	Laps	Gap	Best Lap
1		ROGER WILCO	PROTON COMPETITION	PORSCHE 911 GT2	2	DNF	2:01.550
2		FERNANDO HORTA	ALDA COMPETITION	PORSCHE 911 GT2	1	DQ

Lap Chart

Position at the end of every lap, FERNANDO HORTA highlighted. Hover a line or a name to follow a driver, click or tap to keep it highlighted; dashed lines are cars that retired.

Leaders

ROGER WILCO led every lap.

Gaps

Time behind at the end of every lap. The scale stops at about one lap (2:01.550): lines break where a car drops further back. Hover or tap a line to follow a driver.

Lap by Lap

Each lap's notable moments, quiet stretches grouped; tap a row for the full order with lap times and gaps. The logs don't record pit stops: they're worked out from lap times, so a spin that costs as much time can read as one.

Related Images

Proton Competition, Porsche 911 Gt2 #3012, Driven By Roger Wilco

Alda Competition, Porsche 911 Gt2 #3038, Driven By Fernando Horta

Autodromo Nazionale Monza