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Race report: Quantum Mathematics at Monza: Scuderia Libra Demands Atomic Clock Investigation

"I am looking at this paper, and it says three cars crossed the line with a gap of exactly one-thousandth of a second, but one of them was in a different dimension of space-time where they did six laps instead of five. I have decided to go eat some cheese." — Team Principal Skinner, Scuderia Libra.

Scuderia Libra issued a press release this morning that reads as follows:

Following the events of the Monza Sprint Race, Scuderia Libra formally demands a complete recalibration of the atomic clocks used by the Monza timing marshals. Our driver, Roger Wilco, crossed the finish line 0.002 seconds behind the victor, Davinci, while completing exactly 16.6% less distance than him. Under standard Italian bureaucratic decree, doing less work for the same result should be rewarded, not penalized with third place.

Furthermore, we do not understand how Davinci completed six laps in 11 minutes and 23.087 seconds while our driver completed only five laps in 11 minutes and 23.089 seconds. It is mathematically impossible unless Losel Racing has found a way to fold the Curva Grande into a neat paper crane. We are deeply confused, slightly hungry, and our purple Saleen is currently smelling of burnt gorgonzola. We protest this entire dimension.

Monza Press Gaggle

Alan Connection (Wifi News): Principal Skinner, did the team consider that Roger was simply driving slower, hence completing fewer laps in the exact same total race time?

Team Principal Skinner: Slower? No. He was conserving the space-time continuum. If you drive too fast at Monza, you end up in the next race prematurely. We are saving that energy for the final two rounds of the championship.

Trevus Belmort (Goth Sips): Is it true that the Scuderia Libra garage spent the entire Sprint race trying to program the pit limiter to play Italian opera instead of actually tracking Davinci's progress?

Team Principal Skinner: This is a baseless accusation. It was actually Antonio Vivaldi, and it was beautiful. The Saleen S7-R engine makes a very good bassline, especially when it is bouncing off the rev limiter in the pitlane.

Livio Orificio (AOLUOLBOL): With only two races left in the season and Fernando Horta holding an 11-point lead over Roger, is the championship still alive for Scuderia Libra?

Team Principal Skinner: Wait, there is a championship? I thought we were just collecting very expensive Italian parking tickets. Nobody tells me anything around here.

Ps. Moustache, please return the timing monitor you took from the media center, we know it's under your mattress.

Disclaimer: This is a fictional, satirical report of a online race. No events described on this text are to be taken seriously, and by no means reflect the author or their views, quotes or situations. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental

Classification

Position		Driver	Team	Car	Laps	Gap	Best Lap	Points
1		DAVINCI	LOSEL RACING	SALEEN S7-R	6	0:11:23.087	1:48.711	6
2		FERNANDO HORTA	USSR LOTUS F1 TEAM	SALEEN S7-R	5	+ 1 LAP	1:47.005	5
3		ROGER WILCO	SCUDERIA LIBRA	SALEEN S7-R	5	+ 1 LAP	1:52.445	3

Driver Standings

Position	Driver	Team	Points
1	FERNANDO HORTA	USSR LOTUS F1 TEAM	133
2	ROGER WILCO	SCUDERIA LIBRA	122
3 ▲1	DAVINCI	LOSEL RACING	10
4 ▼1	RODRIGO PETALS	FLORES TEAM	8

Team Standings

Position	Team	Points
1	SCUDERIA LIBRA	122
2	LOTUS FD TEAM	49
3	USSR LOTUS F1 TEAM	42
4	LOTUS F1 TEAM	31
5	SHAKAXD	11
6 ▲1	LOSEL RACING	10
7 ▼1	FLORES TEAM	8

Related Images

Ussr Lotus F1 Team, Saleen S7-r #3001, Driven By Fernando Horta

Scuderia Libra, Saleen S7-r #3029, Driven By Roger Wilco

Losel Racing, Saleen S7-r #3049, Driven By Davinci

Autodromo Nazionale Monza